i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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