I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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