I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
