Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
