my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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