I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
