I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just invented taco cereal.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Randomize
