Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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