me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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