I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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