Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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