i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
