so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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