oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
