peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
