He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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