I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
