My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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