the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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