Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
