WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
