His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
