I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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