Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
