I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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