I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
