Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
