Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
