There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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