did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
