I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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