When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
