3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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