I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize