Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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