I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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