john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
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