You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
