I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
