i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
