You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
