I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
