Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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