I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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