we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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