I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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