Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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