I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
