if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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