Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Its about making memories worth repressing
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
