remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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