A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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