Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
