He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
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