You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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