3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
