I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
