matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
