i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
