hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
